Suicide among medical students
I suppose the symptoms had been there for years—stinging self criticism, a feeling of being unworthy of my fellows’ company, and a destructive relationship with booze, to name a few. And more recently a darker side—preoccupation with suicide; research, rumination, and plans.
This vortex of self hatred and despair, coupled with a gallon of Guinness and a lovely bottle of a Barolo (my farewell to alcohol, and still my last drink), pulled me down to the Thames river in June with a pocketful of razor blades. Cut to ribbons I waded in, blacked out and, I will never know how, woke up in the emergency department.
Cognitive theories of depression teach us how the mind skews and twists external information to produce a negative, hostile, and hopeless impression of the world. This worked against me again and again. I would never have seen depression in another person as something shameful,