Lecture theatre etiquette
David McAllister imparts vital tips for all students
The lecture theatre, with the entire year assembled, provides the greatest opportunity to shine. However, it is also the site of the most spectacular downfalls. You must show more care in your behaviour there than was expected of people at court in 18th century Europe.
The first consideration is flatulence. The custom varies from school to school. However, generally, the rule is that the further you go up the ladder the louder you are permitted to be. As a first year, you mustn't let out a squeak. While, without fear of reproach, elderly professors of medicine and surgery can trumpet happily along to The Ride of the Valkyries, announcing between bars “whoops there goes another one!” Most students fit somewhere in between, except for those intercalating a degree in physiology. These talented men and women have such mastery of their autonomic system that they no longer need such basic functions.